As a therapist my job is to see in shades of gray. When we believe there are only two options, right or wrong, we limit ourselves from growing. We are social creatures and support systems are important for health and enjoyable living. I believe if we decrease our judgment we will reduce feelings of loneliness and anger, and increase joy in life. We are surrounded by judgment and can be influenced to judge others and ourselves because of what kind of thought process we choose to live our lives by. According to Gabrielle Bernstein in her book Judgment Detox, “underneath every judgment is a core wound. Even the most minor and seemingly insignificant judgments stem from our own shame and shadows.”
I was talking with my friend last week and the topic of judgment came up. She shared with me a story during her college days and stated “I took philosophy and ethics classes where there were all these viewpoints. I found the more I was exposed to that stuff, which in a way helps you become less judgmental… I find myself being more lost in what I believe in when that happens. And I want to be less judgmental, but I also don’t want to lose whatever convictions that I already have.” As we talked about judgment my input for her was to figure out how she can share her convictions without trying to be an expert in other people’s lives. Judgment doesn’t leave room for another point of view. It doesn’t leave us room to connect with others on a deeper level.
Being judgmental can affect different parts of your life. Whether you are wondering why your spouse never listens to you, you don’t understand your friend’s unhealthy decisions, or how you can’t fathom why your child just doesn’t know what is best for them. If you choose to stay judgmental I have outlined below what outcomes you can expect by willingly continuing judgmental patterns in adult relationships, romantic relationships, and parenting. If you choose to overcome judgment I have also provided three ways to begin the process of decreasing judgment.
Judgment and Adult Relationships
Harriet Lerner explains in her book, “The Dance of Intimacy” how each of us filters the world into categories to create our world view. She writes “we view the world through a unique filter of our age, race, gender, ethnic background, religion, sibling position, and social class. And our view of ‘correct’ reality will be further refined by our family history, a history which has evolved particular myths, party lines, and traditions over many generations, along with particular requirements for sameness and for change.” She goes on to explain that reactivity is what keeps us from seeing another point of view. She mentions we can become over-focused on the incompetence of others, and under-focused on our own limitations. By doing this we are unable to see another point of view, generate different solutions to problems, and stay stuck.
Take for instance in your family of origin we are unable to choose the family we are born into. Often times we are expected to like and dislike the same things our families do. It’s easy to feel like our parents and siblings don’t understand us. But another question to ask yourself is “are you accepting them of their traits that don’t align with yours?” We then become defensive in how we speak to our family members which causes us to fight or distance ourselves from the family. Harriet Lerner writes in her book that we cannot just pretend our families don’t exist. We must find a way where we can process the hurt without labeling who is right or wrong.
As Bernstein explains it, “whenever you are triggered by others, it’s because they are mirroring back elements of your shadow that you are unwilling to heal.” Two primary triggers according to Dr. Seth Meyers are envy and stress when it comes to friendships. Sometimes when we are stressed we can make snap judgments of our friends that wouldn’t have happened if we were not stressed. “Using judgment due to envy is watching someone else have their needs met while we go without.” Jealousy is a feeling most of us pretend we don’t have. It’s okay to be jealous; it can be beneficial at times because it can force us to begin creating goals for ourselves so we stop comparing our lives to other people’s highlight reels.
When judging our adult relationships, one thing we are guilty of is entertaining gossip. Gossiping can make us feel good for a second and then it diminishes because it’s only short-term relief from self-judgment. Bernstein writes “gossip is especially nasty because it gives us the illusion that we’re bonding with others, when instead we’re just banding together to heap all of our pain onto another person.” This can happen if you do not provide boundaries in your relationship. There is a difference between venting and gossiping. Venting is finding solutions to how someone’s actions made you feel. If your goal is to make another person feel bad or have people change their opinions of another person then you are gossiping. This is also another way we use judgment to disconnect ourselves from others.
Judgment and Romantic Relationships
One way you can feel disconnected with your partner is to push your worldview on them. Harriet Lerner writes “It is hard to feel intimate with someone we disagree with. Surely your relationships would be calmer and simpler if everyone thought, felt, and reacted exactly as we do… We commonly confuse closeness with sameness and view intimacy as the merging of two separate ‘I’s into one worldview. Some differences are bound to make us feel angry, isolated, or anxious at times—and for this reason it may be hard to keep in mind that differences are the only way we learn.” It becomes another obstacle once you get married and have children because people expect that sameness will strengthen “we-ness” in a relationship.
Does judging your partner nurture your relationship? William Glasser’s Choice Theory recommends to couples to think about if what they say or how they react if it is going to bring them closer to each other or farther apart. Especially in relationships it is important to look for solutions and compromises. If both cannot agree, can they agree to disagree in certain matters? You can’t fully accept another person unless you are willing to let go of judgment. When I work with couples my goal is to decrease combative communication and increase fair fighting communication. The goal in relationships is not to eliminate conflict. Conflict lets us know that both parties are expressing their needs in a relationship.
Judgment and Parenting
Judgment can get in the way of effective parenting. As we explained previously, being reactive in our communication with others can lead us to separating ourselves from others instead of achieving connection. According to Siegel and Bryson, “parents who are fully present parent based off actual facts of a particular situation, and do not use past expectations or future fears to determine how they interact with their child.” I remind parents it’s important to take into consideration children’s developing minds. The brain is not fully developed until age 25. So the parts of the brain that helps us become rational and see different points of view aren’t complete yet in children. It’s especially important to remember that with teenagers. They may sound and look like an adult but their brain isn’t fully matured. When we judge our children we tend to project unmet needs of ours onto our children.
Our children are not miniature versions of us. They are their own person with their own ideas and view of the world, and respond to different situations in their own way. Siegel and Bryson write “By wondering what our kids are trying to accomplish and by allowing them to explain a situation before we rush to judgment, we’re able to gather actual data from their internal world, as opposed to simply reacting based on assumptions and faulty theories.” When we judge base off of assumptions in parenting you begin to create the distance between you and your child. We aren’t perfect. It’ll happen a lot. But if you are mindful of those times you can teach your children a valuable lesson on judgment. Siegel and Bryson explain simply by paying attention to what judgments are going on in your head you will “be much more capable of responding flexibly instead of reacting rigidly or chaotically, and offering your children what they need right then.”
3 Ways to Decrease Judgment
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Judgment isn’t all bad and is necessary. Judgment alerts you in the moment you do not feel safe. The issue with judgment is what you do after you have done it. Do you then go down the rabbit hole of judgment, or do you release your judgment without judging yourself for judging? Judgments are necessary when you have to evaluate your own behavior to determine if you have acted appropriately. But you also have to do it in a kind way. During emotional pain if we stick to the facts of the situation and talk about how we feel about it can help us avoid internalizing it. We often have more difficulty being kind to ourselves than others which can be more damaging to our self-esteem.
- Own Our Judgments
Number one we need to own our judgments on others. I love using Brene Brown’s idea of finding yourself a “move a dead body best friend” that you can express these vulnerable pieces of yourself with, so you can process it in a safe space. If you have difficulty trusting others this is also something you can do with a therapist. Learn to accept others right where they are for the good and bad. Trust that everyone is on their own timeline. The goal is not to completely eliminate judgment, but to recognize if we are choosing to separate ourselves from others using judgment.
- Learn forgiveness
A second way is to learn forgiveness. First we start with self-forgiveness. According to Bernstein “self-forgiveness requires releasing the past (and staying open to the future) allows you to live fully present in the moment. In this moment joy can be the choice when you let go of what could be.” Forgiveness doesn’t happen in an instance, and it is important that you practice it daily. Some people think that forgiving is letting someone off the hook. You can choose to have that person no longer be part of your life, but don’t waste your energy on judging them. Learning to forgive yourself and others can help you move forward towards the direction of joy. Remember if we hold onto judgment we are suppressing feelings that need to be dealt with in a healthy manner.
- Become Mindful and Intentional
Third is being mindful and intentional in your practice of decreasing your judgment. Bernstein writes “we must accept that in order to truly change our habits and release ourselves from the bondage of judgment we must retrain our minds.” Remember our strongest muscle and worst enemy is our minds. We must learn to train it well. When we are mindful and stay in the present we are able to track our progress. Just catching yourself judging is enough to begin the process of decreasing your judgment. Some ways you can learn to be mindful is journaling your judgments. Write down where in your body you felt judgment, remember a time you felt that same judgment, etc. Another way is meditation. Yoga is a way to help calm the mind. When we do not clear our mind we do not have leave room to create healthy intentions.
In conclusion, the energy you bring in how you respond to others can impact the replies you get from others. It impacts how much others would be willing to connect with you and how you connect with yourself.
References
Bernstein, G. (2018). Judgment Detox; Release the Beliefs that Hold You Back from Living a Better Life, North Star Way: New York.
Glasser, W. (1998) Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom, Harper Collins: New York.
Lerner, Harriet. (1989). The Dance of Intimacy. Harper Collins e-books.
Myers, S. (2014). Why We Judge Our Friends…and how we can keep those unwelcome instincts in check. Retrieved: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201411/why-we-judge-our-friends
Siegal, D., & Bryson, T.P. (2014) No Drama Discipline, The Whole Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, Bantam Books, New York.
