What’s Keeping You from Discovering Joy
By: Hazel Guenther, M.A., MFT-Intern
Harriet B. Braiker writes in her book ‘Disease to Please’,
“If you always say ‘yes’, especially when you want to say ‘no’, you eventually find yourself joylessly going through the motions of living, yielding control over your precious time and resources to the will of whomever asks for it.”
To start the New Year I was going to become intentional in putting some of my needs first. I wanted to accomplish goals that have been on the back burner for some time. I had finally said 2019 is the year I will have to leave my “fear of missing out” mentality behind. This is the year I would begin using “no” as a sentence.
Then it happens I get a social media invite to go on a weekend getaway with my girlfriends. I think to myself if I say “yes”, I will be saying “no” to going on a trip with my family another time. In the same week that my husband and I have already planned to utilize the KONMARI method after binge watching “Tidying Up”, we get an invite to have lunch with friends with a day and a half notice. If I say “yes” to the lunch invite, then I am saying “no” to decreasing my anxiety of tidying up what our messy toddler has destroyed. These are instances which my people pleasing ways would have heightened my anxiety. I would have agreed to both instances only to build resentment later on. I am sharing this with you because I am a recovering people pleaser.
The image I picture when I hear the word “People Pleaser” is someone who is unselfish and just wants the best for others. At least that’s how I wanted to picture myself. In reality people pleasing is a selfish act. It is a person’s need to be in control for self-validating purposes. The following will give you insight to how people pleasing develops, explore if you may have tendencies, and ways to build boundaries so you may begin saying ”yes” to yourself more often than “no”.
How People Pleasing Develops
People-pleasing is just one symptom of co-dependency. Co-dependency is trying to fix others at your own expense. Most family systems have some kind of dysfunction and many of those plant seeds for co-dependency. It is not exclusive to abuse or neglect. For this purpose we will focus more on the people pleasing symptom.
People pleasing characteristics tend to develop in childhood in order to survive having minimal choices. For example, early relationships in which love was conditional or you were abandoned by an unstable caregiver can replicate your fear of rejection. On the other hand, if you were punished by an abusive caregiver, or were constantly disappointing a caregiver for small mistakes growing up, you would then fear failure. What does that result in? Perfectionism is what you get. Both fear of failure or rejection are the root causes of people pleasing.
If you are wondering if you are a people pleaser, start by asking yourself these three questions.
- Do you have difficulty say “no” to others?
- Have you ever caught yourself biting your tongue when disagreeing with others?
- Do you feel responsible for other people’s happiness and have difficulty expressing hurt feelings?
By saying yes to these questions, you cause damaging effects to your self esteem, health, and relationships with others. When you constantly are agreeing to help others you do not leave time for yourself. When you don’t speak up for what you stand for, you lose authenticity of who you are. Lastly, when you feel responsible for other people’s feelings you have difficulty managing your own. And if you have difficulty expressing hurt feelings then you blur the boundary lines in relationships.
Road to Recovery
What is it that you stand for? Take some time to think of moments when you have avoided conflict, felt resentment, or felt the need to control other people’s emotions. Where did you feel it in your body? What kind of emotion did you feel? What could you have done differently? By recognizing these sensations, feelings, and thoughts you can begin creating boundaries for yourself. If you want to learn to manage your feelings and break the cycle of people-pleasing one must take time to consider these questions.
The road to recovery is difficult but not impossible. Once you begin to change your people pleasing ways, it’s also possible for others not to be onboard with it. It starts with taking care of you first and letting others take responsibility for their actions without trying to save or punish them. Utilize each day to begin speaking up and validating what it is you stand for. During this time, you will have to learn to actively feel and accept negative and painful emotions and take responsibility for your own happiness. Feelings are meant to be felt and restricting yourself to avoid difficult ones will hinder how you handle the good ones.
Some people pleaser’s have deep rooted issues and can find therapy another way to hold them accountable to making different choices in their life. If you think that you will need more support in your people pleasing recovery you can email me at hazelmft@gmail.com or call 702-907-1606 for a free consultation to see if I am the right fit to join you in this process to recovery.
Going back to my personal experience, I respectfully declined each invitation that week. Although I asserted myself in those instances, it’s still a daily struggle to remind myself to say “no” to some people, some of the time, so I can say “yes” most of the time to discovering joy in my own life.
